Disillusioned

OK, I know it's been a while since I've blogged. Something finally happened to me today that was so utterly blog worthy, I had to post it.

Some of you know about the "issues" I've been having with my bed. Issues involving my favorite waterbed, forty kitten claws, and about a half inch of water.

Yeah, the kittens popped the waterbed. Not on purpose, or anything. They were just being true to their kitten nature.

When I finally drained the waterbed (R.I.P.) and took it apart, there was about a half inch of water on the bottom of it. Thank heavens for waterbed liners. Only the water had been in here so long (tiny kitten claws leave tiny holes) that it was beginning to seep through the liner. Right onto the heater. Who knows how long away I was from being electrocuted while I was asleep?

Well, I decided that this was a blessing in disguise. I ran down to Walmart and bought one of those spiffy air mattresses. I figured that this was a good idea (which is was) because I would now have this awesome air mattress for A) the rare times I have house guests stay the night, and B) for when I go camping (if my lazy/poor ass ever buys a tent).

The air mattress was great. At first. The longer I slept on it, though, the more strain it caused on my lumbar and cervical spine. Yeah, L4-5 have horrible kinks in them. Any volunteers to rub them out? I'll give you a back rub in return.

Anyways, this would also be a great idea, because now I would have no excuses to get my bedroom painted. Yeah, my bedroom that was painted that god awful blue. The one that about three years ago I said "Hey!! I'm going to paint my bedroom!" and hurried up and patched all the holes with putty so I could paint.

Only I never painted.

So, now I had no excuse. Except for not being able to decide on a color.

Now, I like bright colors, as those of you who have been to my house can tell. Bright colors are usually cheery and happy, and all of that crap. However, whoever built my house was real stingy with windows. So, my bedroom doesn't get much light.

So, off to Home Depot I run and come back with a stack of paint samples about a mile thick. A good friend picked out a color for me, and it turned out being really awesome.

Another good friend volunteered to help paint. We got it done in one coat (one coat if you don't count the coat of primer I put on a few days before), and it looks great.

Now, the aggravation from painting only went to turn the dull throb in my lumbar into a fiery sting. The air mattress, which I once thought was really great, did not help this any.

So, after consulting with my dad, we decided that a new mattress was the perfect birthday present for me, albeit six weeks early.

Yesterday I decided to check out the local furniture stores to get an idea of prices of mattresses and bed frames.

Holy frickin' crap, dude.

The first store I went to was Scan House (on the Parkway), which is one of those cool Scandinavian - Ikeaesque furniture stores. Funky modern stuff that I like.

Dude, mattresses are expensive!! Beds are expensive!!! What the hell???

Discouraged, I left for home.

Today my dad and I went out shopping for mattresses. The first place we stopped was Sears. They were having a 50% off mattress sale! Hooray!!

Nope. No hooray here. Even half off, the mattresses cost an arm and a leg. No, more like a dozen arms and legs. Made out of gold. And encrusted with diamonds.

We head off to Penny's, which, as it turns out, does not have mattresses.

Off to Bed Bath and Beyond. Which also does not have mattresses. So, I guess it's not really "Bed Bath and Beyond". It's more like "Bedroom Bath and Beyond". Only, they don't sell tubs, either, so it's more like "Bedroom Bathroom and Somewhat Beyond to a Certain Extent". For crying out loud, I went there to find a recipe box the other day, and they didn't even have one.

Now, there had been some commercials on TV recently for this factory warehouse that was having a mattress sale this weekend. We knew they were probably going to be crap mattresses, but we figured, what the heck, and headed down to this place.

We get there, and it looked like one of those crappy furniture warehouses. When we went inside, it did not disappoint. It was a crappy furniture warehouse. With furniture made in China, by them little kids that have been sent to Commie Retraining Camp. Hmm.. maybe that kid who made my old cell phone is working there now.

We actually found a decent mattress there, but it had a brand name of something like "Snooz Good". It was comfy, the price was fair, and it was in stock. So, back to the house we head to pick up my pickup (ha ha) to take it home.

On the way back we passed a Discount Bedding place. We figured we might as well stop there just to see what kind of prices they were offering.

It was one of these Serta places with the sheep in the window. We walk in, and there were some on sale, real brand mattresses. I tried one out, and it happened to be way more comfy than the one at the Crap Warehouse. It happened to be the cheapest one in the store, but it was comfy.

The saleslady came up to me and asked what kind of mattress I was looking for. I told her that I was used to sleeping on a waterbed.

"Ooooh, well if you're used to that, you'll probably like this one!" and walks me over to this Serta bed. THAT COST $1500.00!!!!!!!

I was nice and tried it.

"Very nice, but I like that one" and pointed to the cheapest bed in the store.

"You, um, like THAT one???" She gasped, and gave me this smile:



Yeah, you know the ones that the southern women have perfected the art of. The one that they give you just before they say "Bless your heart" (which I have been told really means "F*** you, bitch!").

Yup. That's the one I want. Ha ha, fake smiling saleslady!

So, here we are, waiting while fake smiling saleslady rings up the sale. Right by the sales desk is one of those Tempurpedic mattresses. You know, the ones that you can jump up and down on without spilling that glass of wine you carelessly placed on your bed? The one made of SPACE AGE TEMPUR MATERIAL DEVELOPED BY SCIENTISTS FOR USE ON THE SPACE SHUTTLE!!!!!!!

Yeah, they're also the ones that cost, like, $1700.00 for a queen sized mattress!

So, knowing that I will never in my life be able to drop that kind of cash on a mattress, I figure, what the hell, and lay down on it.

I cannot describe the disappointment I felt.

I mean, this is supposed to be the worlds greatest mattress! It's supposed to be so comfortable that you never want to get out of bed! (Hey, even when I'm sleeping on the couch I never want to get out of bed).

No.

Nope.

Not at all.

The mattress was quite UNcomfortable. It was really really firm. Granted, it did confirm to your body, and did create the proper ass dent where it was necessary. But, once your body was sucked into that mattress, you really couldn't move!

No wonder you stop tossing and turning when you sleep on one of those things! YOU CAN'T MOVE!!!!!!

Getting out of the bed was a real big chore, too. I think the reason that people who sleep on one of those mattresses don't want to get out of bed is because of the work you have to do to even be able to sit up!

Needless to say, I was extremely disappointed. Not too too disappointed, though, because now I will never be upset that I cannot afford this mattress.