Zentacular Sunday

Yesterday was a really great day. I am so relaxed after Beth and my mini road trip to Itchetucknee.

We had been planning a river trip for about a month now. If you go to the Itchetucknee after Labor Day, the tram service is not running, and you pretty much have the river to yourself. The first Saturday we were supposed to go Beth had to go out of town. The second Saturday, I had to go to work to give that cheezy presentation. The third Saturday (this past Saturday), we had the mystery meeting sprung on us.

When we heard about that meeting, we decided that we were going to go either A) After work on Saturday, or B) on Sunday. This week was really the only Sunday we could have gone, because my dad was out of town, so I wasn't going fishing. Besides that, it's starting to get pretty chilly here. If we had waited any longer, it would have been too cold to go.

So, we left about 10:00, hoping and praying that by the time we got down there it would be a bit warmer than the 65 degrees it was now. We head on down I10, with the river in our sights. Blasting 80's music, and singing Journey at the top of our lungs.

Our first planned stop in our journey was the Little Skeezers off of I75 in Lake City. Little Ceasers is such a treat for us since there isn't one around Tally. It's cheap, good, and chock full of trans fat deliciousness.

Finally we get there. Get our pizza and cRaZY bread, and sit down to enjoy the goodness. This chick walks in the door, and as she's waiting for her order, she keeps glancing over towards us trying to make eye contact.

I'm silently repeating my mental mantra that I always use in these kind of situations. "Please don't talk to us, PLEASE don't talk to us."

I don't know what it is... I must have this giant invisible tattoo on my forehead that says something along the lines of "Hey, freaks! Talk to me!"

Wherever I am, the freaks are always compelled to strike up the most bizarre conversations with me. Don't believe me? Come hang out with me one day, you'll see what I mean. It's been like that all my life.

And, I'm not the type of person that can ignore somebody or just walk away. I can't really give someone the cold shoulder without feeling like crap inside. I have to stand there and listen to what they say, and pretend to give a crap, when all I really want to do is scream from the top of my lungs "Shut the hell up! I really don't give a damn!" Just watch my interaction with that chick we work with.... no, those TWO chicks that we work with (L & V).

But, I'm getting sidetracked here. Although, loyal readers, you're used to that by now.

I had to get up and hit the little girls room, so I left the table for a few minutes. When I came back, I realized that poor Beth must have that same invisible tattoo on her forehead, 'cause the chick had struck up this insane conversation with her.

I sit back down. Ok, here's what I missed. The chick informed Beth that she was the youngest of 12, and she's had a man for two years. The way she said it was like this was a major accomplishment for her family.

She's showing Beth her ring (not sure if it was a wedding ring or engagement ring), which is sincerely the most god awful thing I've ever seen in my life. This wasn't no Wal-Mart ring. This wasn't even a K-Mart ring. This was more along the lines of a Circle-K ring. I've seen prettier rings come out of a gumball machine.

Beth did the proper thing and oohed and ahhed over it.

Trying to take some of the heat off of Beth, I comment on the chick's nails. They were done in a black french manicure. Since I had painted my toenails black, I said "Hey, I like your nail polish, ha-ha!". She holds her hands closer to me, and OH MY DEAR SWEET JESUS. I swear to god, they were Lee Press On Nails! I could have sworn they stopped making those things in the late 80's! To top it off, we were informed that the white tips glow in the dark, and they "Ain't never comin' off now, 'cause my man done super glued them on."

I swear, I'm not making this up. Let me take a quick moment to describe this chick to you. She is barefoot, with the bottom of her feet black as the ace of spades (This is a known fact, because she showed them off to Beth), wearing these pink short shorts that said "Candy Girl" across the butt, a black produce trucking company t-shirt, no bra, and was sporting a really really horrible hair cut. The only way I can think to describe it was as a reverse mullet gone wrong.

Look, I hate to make fun of rednecks, because 1) I'm a redneck, and proud, 2) Rednecks aren't bad people, and 3) They all ready get made fun of enough. But, this chick really made me look like just a pinkneck.

For some reason she starts talking about the CB radio that she has out in her "ride".

"No really, my man just put a CB in my ride. If you don't believe me, come see! It's in my ride!"

Knowing that she would never LEAVE if I didn't at least go humor her, I head out to check out her "ride".

Hey, wow, I've never seen a CB radio before. That's just frickin' great.

I tried desperately to head back inside to the safety of Little Ceasers, but she wasn't done with me yet. She begins to tell me how her Daddy is building a mud bogging truck to give to her.

OMG, will this horror ever end? I just used my ol' customer service trick and said "Wow! That's cool! Well, drive safe and take care!" waved, and walked back inside.

The second her truck was out of sight, Beth and I cracked up, making the church people inside give us strange looks. Look, ya'll are just jealous because we're going swimming.

The ordeal is over, and we head out to hit the river. On the way out we see this, and I had to take a shot.



Hey, baby, going my way? (BTW, that is sarcasam. We would have picked him up, but we didn't really feel like getting killed. I especially like the way he is holding his thumb out.)

So, we head down the road, once again, river bound. On the way we pass the tube centers, and see that there should be at least a couple other people going down the river, which is a relief to me. I don't know why, but I did feel somewhat uncomfortable about the two of us going down the river alone. This way there would be people in front of us to scare the gators in my mind away.

Finally! We're at the park! Hooray! Let the fun start! We are both so psyched to be there. This is one of our favorite things to do, and knowing that this would be possibly the last time that we could do this until next spring made it even better.

We head off down the trail to the mid point landing. I tell you what, right then, in that very moment, I felt so perfectly southern that it just made me grin from ear to ear. And, I mean that in a very good way. Here I am, walking down a dirt path through the woods, barefoot, heading towards the river to do some swimming. The sun was shining, there was a cool breeze, and the fallen leaves made a pefectly soft carpet to walk on. It was bliss. I LOVE this state!

We get to the landing, and start heading down the boardwalk. At the start of the boardwalk, there is an abandoned baby stroller, pair of shoes, and a pair of jeans with a really bogus stain on them. God, I hope we don't run into the owner of said jeans. At the raft at the end of the boardwalk is an abandoned t-shirt, which means that someone is very possibly heading down the river butt neked.

There is a couple of hikers standing on the raft, gazing down the river. They must have been newleyweds, because they just had that aura around them of sheer happiness. I think we ruined their moment. ;)

I didn't want to ruin it too much further, so I politely asked "Hey, do ya'll mind if I run here?"

No, they did not mind. And after a few minutes of hesitation I run and cannonball into the river, coming up with a hoot of joy. It is sheer ecstasy jumping into the river and being surrounded by the crisp, clear, flowing water. Beth throws me my raft and jumps in behind me. The river begins to carry us away.

If you've never been down the Itchetucknee River, I beg you to come with me one time. Beth shared this utopia with me, and I want to share it with you. I know that's a real gay sounding statement, but it's true. Just let me know when you want to go.

We're flowing down the river, and didn't even run into any tubers between Mid Point and Dampiers Landing, which was great. I wanted to jump back in, so we got off at Dampiers Landing, trying like hell not to slip on the moldy limestone bank.

We had to wait on the raft for half a dozen kyakers to get out of the water. Once they were out of the water, I was back in the water with a quick run and a jump, and a huge splash.

Now, I had an underwater camera, which is reusable (woot!), and my plans were to have Beth take a picture of me being a spider monkey on the jumping tree. Of course, I didn't even get halfway up the tree before my adult instincts kicked in and I chickened out. That's okay, though. I guess it's not really all that safe to jump from the tree.

Back down the river we head, belting out corny songs at the top of our lungs. When we got to the bouncy log (it's a submerged tree that lies just under the water. You can sit on it and make it bounce. In the summer, you get a little kid to stand on the end that sticks out... five or six people stand on the underwater end and all jump off at the same time, flinging the kid into the air) we sat there for a break, and to let the tubers that came in behind us to pass.

While we're just sitting there, Ranger Cheech comes along in his kayak.

"Did you girls loose something?"

What, do we have these lost looks on our faces?

"No, we're just taking a break. We're waiting to see if we can see the hawk that's been screeching."

Ranger Cheech, who was smoking something really really good, looks up into the trees. We hear taptaptaptaptap coming from the trees.

"No, that's the pilated woodpecker."

Oh, wow, thanks for that lesson, Ranger Cheech. I for sure thought that the taptaptaptap was a hawk crying. Thank you so much for educating us on that matter.

"Yeah, that's a woodpecker, but we heard what I think is a Red Tailed Hawk."

He looks around again, and hears a small bird call.

"What kind of bird do you think that is?"

"I have no clue" I reply. By now we've been out of the water for a good 10 minutes, and I'm beginning to turn blue, so naturally I'm shivering.

"If you're cold, you shouldn't stop swimming. You should keep swimming or go to the side and sit on a tree."

Wow, thanks again for your wisdom there, Ranger Cheech. Just what the hell do you think we're doing right now? I swear, this guy was stoned out of his mind.

"Um, yeah, we're, uh, fixin' to get back in in a bit." I say, and thank heavens, Ranger Cheech merrily paddles away.

When he's out of sight, we're back in the water.

Now comes the mellow part of the journey. Goofing off is over, and it's time to just lie back and enjoy the beauty of the place. Be at one with nature, and all that tree hugger shit. I love it!

The rest of the trip is pretty mellow. We stopped to take a quick water break. These kayakers passed and asked Beth "Are you going to swim down the whole river?"

No, idiot, in a few more minutes she's going to sprout wings and fly us back.

No, dummy, she's getting off the river at the next bend and taking the subway back.

No, chump, we parked in the swamp right over there, and we're taking the truck back.

Hello?! What other choice does she have than to swim down the rest of the river??

Other than that, the rest of the trip was uneventful. Oh yeah, except for when Beth slammed me in the face with a tree limb.

When we get to the final landing, Beth did slip on the slimy limestone resulting in this:



Oooooooh, that looks like that smarts.

We're out of the river, dripping wet, freezing cold, and faced with a 15 minute walk back to the truck. I'm barefoot, and it's all blacktop. I have nice blisters on my feet now, but at least the pavement was warm. On the way back another insane ranger almost runs us down on the road, and then waves to us.

What the hell, do you have to be psycho to be a ranger at this park?

We get back to the truck, dry off, and get into some warm clothes. We head over to the North Entrance of the park so I can show Beth the head springs.



Which is by far one of the most beautiful springs I've seen. The plaque out front of the head spring couldn't be more right:



We ran into the newlyweds from the raft. They asked us to take their picture. They were so cute! Especially the woman who had the most adorable southern accent and sweetest voice. I hope their marriage lasts.

This is what we saw at the river head:



Again, with crystal clear water. Good sized fish there, too.



I think this is what was needed to convince Beth to go down the river from the North Entrance. Hooray!!!

We leave the park and head back towards home. I decide to be all cool, and take a different way back to 27. Boy, was I wrong. Because pretty soon we were lost. Not too too lost... I'm sure we could have found our way somewhere eventually.

I gave up, pulled over, and decided to ask some directions from a smart ass (thems my kind of people!)

"Um... where the hell are we?" I asked the guy.

"Florida" he replied with a smile.

"Yeah, um, could you possible narrow that down a little bit?"

"You're near Lake City."

"Ok, how do I get there?"

"Well, if you keep going down this road, you'll eventually get to 90. Where are you trying to get to?"

"Tallahassee" I replied, and you could tell by the look on his face that he didn't really know what that was. "We can get to there on 90, but we do have to be back before Tuesday morning. Can you get to 75 or 27 from here?"

So, he gives us directions to 75, which did take us through some real real rural farm country, but eventually did put us on the highway.

Back on the highway, we head back down on I10, the state's most boring stretch of highway. We're looking for the DQ. Finally we find it, and pull over to eat.

This was a bad decision. Beth got gyped on her Blizzard, which smelled oh so good, but I was trying to be good and not have any ice cream. We both ordered foot long dogs, but what we got was two hot dogs stuck together in a foot long bun. The small fry should have been called a mini fry.

However, it was food that was well needed. Swimming down the river really takes it out of you.

We head on back down the highway as the exhaustion begins to set in. I freaked out Beth by announcing "Huh! I really should be wearing my glasses when I'm driving at night!"

Hee hee! Just the words you want to hear from someone who is driving you home.

We finally got home. I don't know what Beth did, but I crashed within seconds of walking through the door. I slept until 9:30 today, which is something I haven't been able to do since I hit 30.

I'm still feeling the affects of sleep today. My legs and L4 are sore from the swimming, but it's a good kind of sore.

Know what? I can't wait to go back to the river next spring.