Survivor - S13E2

You know, I'm sorry. I'm just not feeling Survivor this time around. This season has proved to be completely disappointing so far. I don't know if it's because the show jumped the shark a few seasons back, or if it's because of the multiple five member tribes, or if it's because there are no real hot guys on this season, or if it's because of the way that Survivor seems to be completely disregarding Team Whitey. Whatever the reason, I'm just not into it. I'm really hoping that the show takes a turn for the better real soon.

Well, even though this isn't being written full hearted, here is my recap of S12E2.

Opening scene of SWA sitting around a mound of coconut husks, trying desperately to make fire. It's still just not happening for them. Which is somewhat funny, and, yet, somewhat sad in a real, real pitiful way. It's something like day four, and the four remaining "city kids" still don't have fire, even though a flint was very generously given to them, as charity, by Probst.

One of the tribe members starts complaining about not having fire, and how this isn't cool, especially since they are supposed to be representin'. Well, girlfriend, you better start representin' like hell and get a fire going. It is the most essential element that you need in a survival situation such as, well, Survivor.

Nate gives up, and walks away in obvious frustration. One of the women picks up the flint, and starts banging the machette against it. After a few knocks, Hooray!, they have fire. All is well in SWA now, hugs are passed around, and backs are slapped.

Cut shot to Surviving La Vida Loca out fishing. Dude, what did ya'll do, take every single spear gun that was on the schooner? I swear, everyone in the tribe had a spear gun. Except for Billy Boy, but we'll get back to him in a minute. There were so many spear guns in the tribe, that the chicks were even using them to spear crabs on land. Hey, I guess if I'm allowed to catch crabs on soft plastic lures (even though I'm not aiming to catch crabs), these chicas can spear them. Before they know it, they have a virtual smorgasbord of seafood.

They're back on shore, and you hear Cristina, the chick cop, telling about how she got shot and almost lost an arm. That's why she wears a bullet around her neck. Hmm.

So, Billy Boy is telling one of the chicas that he does not feel that he is part of the tribe. He tells her that metal is his culture, not the Hispanic culture. Okay, Billy Boy. We all love metal. And, no one is denying the fact that metal absolutely kicks ass. However, it's not really a culture or heritage.

(side note here - maybe this would make for a good Survivor experiment. Metal Tribe, Easy Listening Tribe, Techno Tribe, and Opera Tribe. Just something to think about, CBS. I bet you a million bucks it would be more entertaining than this Season's Survivor has shown to be so far)

(second side note here - It's Saturday. The show was two days ago. It was so remarkable unrememberable, that I'm sure I'm missing a bunch of things. I don't really care at this point, since this show royally sucked. I did ask Beth to TiVo it for me, but I don't really care to see this episode again)

Cut shot to Survivor Drop Soup, where one of the girls let Cao Boi know that she had a headache. So, he starts doing his face-mashing thing, again. She, however, has about three hickie marks on her head. Again, she confesses that her headache is gone.

I have to find this Cao Boi guy, and let him mash my face. Then my headache would be gone, and I, too, could have an odd hickie looking mark, therefore leading people to think that I'm getting some action.

Um... sorry.

So, now it's night, and the Asians are all cuddled together in a group spoon in their shelter. Cao Boi is still cracking the Asian jokes, but the two other guys are complaining, and ask him to stop. Now, this is where the show really pissed me off. Cao Boi says, hey, I've got one more "What do you call a Vietnameese man with three dogs?".

And, you NEVER hear the punchline.

That is soooo lame.

Thanks to J., though, who had the answer. "Well fed."

Ba-doom-boom.

Survivor Drop Soup and Surviving La Vida Loca have both managed to catch wild chickens (holy crap, there is such a thing?). However, there was a bit of drama at Surviving La Vida Loca camp, when the chick cop wanted to do it one way, and Ozzy (the moppy haired Mexican) wanted to do it another way.

Ozzy knows the outdoors, they did it his way, caught a chicken, chick cop gets pissed and walks away.

Now we have what I think was the only shot of Team Whitey in the whole show, aside from the challenge.

Jonathan comes back from Exile Island, and, no, the idiot did not find the HII (Hidden immunity Idol). He is greeted by false hugs and greetings. How friggin' gay was that scene.

He gets right to work in building a shelter. His plan is to build a shelter floor, which I assume would be about a foot off of the ground. This is actually a great idea, and it is good to see that at least one member of Team Whitey is able to think. I was beginning to worry after Flicka (nappy haired chick) released the chickens.

I say one member, because Golden Boy starts pissin' and moanin' about having to build a floor.

"Why do we have to build a floor?"

"Because, it will keep us drier."

"How is it going to do that?"

OMFG. Are you serious? I forget which one of the girls had to explain it to him, but it went something like this: "Ummmm (real sarcastic tone here), because when it rains the water is on the ground?"

Either he A) didn't care about getting wet, or B) still didn't grasp the concept. He was still pissing and moaning.

Cut back to Surviving La Vida Loca camp, where there is a group meeting, minus Billy Boy. Billy is fast asleep, allegedly snoring so loud that the others can't sleep, which is what prompted this midnight meeting.

Ozzy, who we are now finding out is weasley, too, is suggesting that they throw the challenge just so they can vote off Billy. At the same time that he is saying this, there are great night vision shots of rats. Nice touch. The other guy is in on it, but chick cop doesn't think that it's such a good idea.

Next day. Tree mail!

Ok, meet the new SWA, minus Seku.

(oh, man, I just thought more about the musically segregated Survivor! You could have the Metal Tribe with Henry Rollins, Chris Cornell, Sebastian Bach, Angus Young, and some other metal guy. Techno Tribe could have Moby, Beck, Fat Boy Slim. Easy Listening Tribe could have James Taylor, Elton John, John Tesh, and Yanni. Dump the Opera Tribe, and replace it with a Boy Band Tribe. Fill that with whoever is in boy bands these days. I betcha John Tesh would end up kicking some ass. And, Henry Rollins would kick even more ass, because that's the kind of guy he seems to be)

Here is your challenge. It's one of those rope and maze and puzzle dealies. I think they were attached together with ropes around the waists. Go around this maze type thing, collect trivia answers. Go over the rope bridge. Put together the trivia answers and the questions to match. First three tribes win immunity. First tribe wins immunity and two tarps.

Probst tells a quick story about Captain Cook. This is what the trivia questions and answers are pertaining to. Teams have a chance to go right to the challenge, or read a book that retells the story to make sure they get the trivia portion right.

Quick note here. It was, like, a one paragraph story. Not rocket science.

Ok, tribes. Since SWA has only four members, every other team must sit one member out.

Now, it's not really important who Survivor Drop Soup or Team Whitey sits out. SLVL is discussing who should sit out. Billy Boy immediately volunteers, which makes sense, because he is a big, slow, dude. Kinda like an overweight sloth in a skull t-shirt. Ozzy says no, and the professional volleyball player, their strongest player, sits out instead. Let's not make this too obvious, okay?

Survivor's ready? GO!!!

SWA, SDS, and Team Whitey all dash out into the maze. SLVL stays behind to read the book. For crying out loud, if you're going to do something as lame as throwing the second challenge, at least make some sort of effort to not make it look like you are!!!

Long challenge short. SDS and Team Whitey both finish in a tie, both winning immunity and two tarps. SWA comes in a not even close third, which, when added to their making fire, is a well needed boost. SLVL comes in last, and gets to choose who to sent to EI (Exile Island... I'm liking this acronym thing).

Who do they pick? Yul, the smart Asian.

Who, incidentally, goes to EI, reads the clues, and has the HII within five minutes. Again, not rocket science.

Back to SLVL camp, where Billy Boy is talking to chick cop, desperately grabbing any straw that he can. She agrees to talk to the other chick, to see if the three of them can vote Ozzy off, because he is turning into a weasely rat. She agrees, and the plan is in place.

Tribal Council. Billy states that he knows the challenge was thrown, and he knows that he's on the chopping block.

Then the highlight of the show.

Let me just make a real brief recap here. The chick cop and the other chica have basically agreed to vote for Ozzy and keep Billy in the game.

I repeat. The chick cop and the other chica have basically agreed to vote for Ozzy and keep Billy in the game.

Billy says that there is only one real reason that he is playing the game. And that is "Love at first sight." And, her name is Candace. Apparently they had this "thing" on the boat, and mouthed the words "I love you" to each other.

Seriously, now. I fell off my couch I was laughing so damn hard.

I wasn't alone. Even Probst was dying laughing, as was the rest of SLVL.

Let's vote. The second person voted off of Survivor Cook Islands is none other and Psycho Billy Boy.

In the end shots, you see that it was a completely unamious vote. His completely off the wall... no, off the whole universe remark scared the crap out of the two chicas. And, I don't blame them. If I ever heard a guy say those same words, I'd be outta there soooooo quick.

According to the Survivor website, there are changes coming to S13E3. Pleasepleaseplease be a tribe merge. Be anything that makes this season less painful to watch.