Racial Survivor

The new Survivor is here! The new Survivor is here! Hooray!

As much controversy as this season's Survivor has caused in the media, I have to admit I was disappointed with the first episode. But, before I go any further, let me make this disclaimer. This season's Survivor is politically incorrect, so this blog about this season's Survivor is going to be politically incorrect too.

I'll give those of you who know me a moment to catch your breath, because you all know that I am **never** politically incorrect. ;)

Ok, so Survivor starts out on one of those old time schooners packed with the contestants. The ship stops, the anchor drops, and this crazy bell goes off. All the survivors start scrambling. Here comes Jeff Probst to explain the melee. The survivors have all of two minutes to loot the boat for whatever they can. The Whites and the Asians were both at a disadvantage here, as they are typically the ones on the other side of the looting. Just watch the others and learn, people. Survivors start grabbing machettes, logs, rope, crates, and, yes, even chickens. People are chopping bamboo rafts off the side of the boat. People start throwing things off of the boat. Not having put much thought into their actions, as is typically done in riot like situations, the things they are throwing overboard either A) bounce off the raft, or B) miss the raft completely, and presumably sink to the ocean floor.

"Get off the boat!" Probst yells, and the few survivors remaining on the schooner jump into the water and swim to their prospective rafts. Pan to several shots of the survivors floating on their racially segregated rafts, and you hear mumbling about how they think it is strange to be separated by race.

Ok, let me get two things straight here.

1) You weren't aware when they chose you for the show that tribes would be separated by race?

and

2) The thought of racially separated (no, I think I'm going to stick with segregated in this blog. It's not a word you get to use often, and it fits) tribes didn't cross your mind when you got on this schooner and saw more Asians, Hispanics, and Blacks than have been on all of the previous Survivor episodes combined???? Hmmmmm....

So, off to their respective islands. While they're paddling, let's roll the opening shot. Cue the Survivor music. Look, forgive me for not remembering the names of the tribes. It's only show one. I will make sure to get them when they're online, and add them to this blog. Nah, that's too much work. I'll just make up tribe names. Also, forgive me for jumping around in the story line. I was all gung ho about setting up my VCR to tape this so I could make a killer blog, but I got lazy and never did it. Besides, I don't have any blank tapes. And, Beth is out of town, so she couldn't TiVo it for me. Way to go, Beth.

And we have:

Survivor Drop Soup

Becky, the cute Korean chick who will probably whoop your ass
Brad, who looks a little light in the heels
Cao Boi, yeah, you say it "Cowboy", the Vietnamese hippie
Jenny, who looks like she might be Hawaiian
Yul, who looks like he would be a great ninja

Surviving La Vida Loca

Billy, the heavy metal guitarist, who looks the part
Cecelia, who has a funky looking face
Cristina, a chick cop from LA
JP, professional volleyball player (Jesus, is that really a job?)
Ozzy, the Beaner with moppy hair

SWA (Survivors With Attitude)

Nathan, in dreads (shudder... dreadlocks are so bogus)
Sekou, who is really not Asian, despite the name
Rebecca, New York chick
Sundra, New York chick #2
Stephannie, the odd man out

Team Whitey

Adam, the golden boy
Candice, the modern southern girl
Jessica, the freaky chick
Parvati, the chick whose name I thought was Pavoratti, until I read it again
Jonathan, the slightly hot older white guy I'm pulling to win. Not as hot as Tom and Terry, who were both absolutely babe-o-licious, but up there.

Back to scenes of the tribes rowing to their islands.

On the Survivor Drop Soup raft, Cao Boi is cracking more Asian jokes than I've heard in a long time. "Hey, how can five Asians on a raft be so heavy?" and something along the lines of "Eat more rice!", and his four tribemates seem to be getting peeved at this. Which is funny, because out of the five of them, he was the only one who actually was born and raised in Asia. That gives him the right to rag on Asians as much as he wants to. :)

Pan to the Surviving La Vida Loca tribe paddling. You overhear Billy Boy "My parents rowed away from an island on a raft, and now I'm rowing towards an island on a raft!" I guess that's the circle of life.

Cut to the shots of each tribe landing on the island and setting up camp.

The SWA Tribe gets together and talks about "representin'", and whatnot. They all explain that they are "city kids" and that this is their chance to show that Black people can swim, and things like that. Hey, everybody knows that black people can swim. That's not the stereotype. The stereotype is that they can't swim as well. Get your stereotypes right before trying to disprove them.

One of the chicks points out that they are in trouble, because "black people don't like being told what to do", or something along those lines, and they all share a laugh over that, which obviously means that they know it's true.

Cut to Surviving La Vida Loca setting up camp. Here comes Billy Boy talking about how strong he is, and all the work that he can do to help the tribe. Ok, Billy Boy, cut this bamboo stalk so we can build a shelter.

Billy Boy is all over that like a duck on a june bug. He just has his own special (needs) way of doing it. How is he going to cut that bamboo? With the machete? Noooo, that would actually make sense. He's going to cut it by banging the shit out of it against the palm tree. I don't think we ever got to see the shot showing if this actually worked or not.

Now they're trying to get coconuts. That was accomplished much easier. Little dude just shimmied up the tree like a spider monkey and knocked a lovel-ley bunch of coco-nuts down. Hoo-rah!

Cut to the Survivor Drop Soup tribe. We learn that Cao Boi may just be a little whacked. He's keeping the Asian jokes coming. Cao Boi up, my friend. Now we get to see a shot of him hunkered down and eating coconuts. It looks so natural, with his freakishly long hair. He could play the part of a savage very well.

Cut to Team Whitey landing. They all get there, and toast each other with some coconuts, and congratulate each other on kicking ass in the boat looting. Which is true, they did kick some ass. Jonathan, the slightly hot older White guy, even managed to steal a chicken from the Asians. One point for Jonathan. Because of that, Team Whitey now has two, count them, two chickens. They pack them under a crate for safekeeping.

Cut shot to Jessica, the chick with the freaky hair. "Wow, I'm such an outsider! We have the golden boy, the two girl's next door, and the family man" (yeah, chick, and that's one of the thing that makes him slightly hot!) "and then me, the freaky chick". Well, you shoulda thought about that before you got all these visible tattoos and did whatever the hell it was you did to your hair. You know if you're going to do something like that to yourself, you're going to stand out. So, don't complain when you stand out. Dur.

So, off goes Chickie (Jessica) walking around camp. She sees the crate that is temporarily housing the chickens, which are bound to be an excellent source of protein. What does she do? She promptly lifts the crate, setting the two chickens free. The men folk try to catch them, while Jonathan tries not to murder her right then and there. You even heard one of the other girls saying "Jessica, why would you do that?".

Uber-points against you on your first day, chickie.

We go back to Survivor Drop Soup, where one of the boys is complaining to Cao Boi that he's got a killer headache. Cao Boi tells him that he has a "Bad Wind" (it sounded like it should be capitalized) in him, and explains that he knows how to take care of it. So, Cao Boi goes over to the kid, and starts mashing the hell out of his face and head with his fingers and thumbs. The end result is this giant bright red hickie-looking mark on the kids forehead.

The kid heads back to camp, and the rest of the tribe laughs about what happened. HOWEVER! In a confessional, the kid does admit that it was pretty weird, but he NO LONGER HAS A HEADACHE. Hey, them Vietnamese know things.

Cut shot back to SWA, who are all gathered around trying to make fire. We see Sekou (who the chicks call "Se", which is not only easier to say, but easier to spell, so he will be referred to as such from this point forward) trying to make fire, with the rest of the tribe gathered around him. How many bla..... um, nevermind. But the point is, that he's going about it the wrong way.

Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not a woodswoman or anything, but I've seen enough episodes of Survivorman to know that you're going about it the wrong way. He's sitting there slowly rubbing a stick back and forth between the groove in a split open log.

Admittedly, this is a way to make fire. However, I'm pretty sure that you need something crisp and flammable to catch the sparks. Also, I'm pretty sure that you have to rub the stick back and forth a little quicker than he was doing. After a few seconds, he gets up and says "I need a break", and proceeds to lie down on the raft.

Dude, you don't want to be slacking off on the first day!

Tree mail!!!!

Challenge for both immunity and reward. The first three tribes to complete the challenge get flint to build fire, and immunity. The first team to complete the challenge gets a fire kit, which is an ammo crate filled with kindling, waterproof matches, and kerosene.

"And, if you can't light a fire with kerosene, you should just go home right now." Probst says.

Only one girl from Surviving La Vida Loca laughs at this horrible, horrible joke. Don't laugh at Probst. It only encourages him.

Naturally, the last team goes to Tribal Council tonight. And, there is this tiny mystery envelope (seriously, couldn't CBS have afforded a bigger envelope?) that will be opened when the challenge is over.

Here's the challenge. All team members must race over a hill, down into a water filled gulch, back up the other side of the gulch, and down the beach. There is a raft that is in something like four pieces, that must be put together like a puzzle. There are about half a dozen planks with holes that fit over pegs on the raft that hold the raft together. Build the raft, paddle out into the ocean to the fire. Light your torch. Paddle back to the beach. Disassemble the raft. Take the planks back up and down the water filled gulch to a table, where you must assemble for smaller puzzles "N", "E", "S", and "W". Take the assembled mini puzzles, and the planks, and go over to this tribe colored wall. Put the planks on the pegs (which is a third type puzzle), climb half way up, put the mini puzzles in their respective places on the wall (this challenge is a plethora of puzzles), have your whole tribe climb the wall, and light the uber-torch with your smaller torch.

While chit chatting with the contestants, one of the Survivor Drop Soup members mentions that one of Team Whitey's members stole his chicken, and points out Jonathan.

"Was that your chicken? I didn't know.... I just saw the chicken and grabbed it." Jonathan stutters with a sly grin on his slightly attractive face.

Dude, I seen what ya'll did with that poor chicken. You just threw it's ass overboard, and nobody is even sure if chickens can swim. That chicken was fair game the instant it hit the water.

But, enough of that.

Survivors ready? Begin!

Surviving La Vida Loca very quickly assembles their raft, and the humor and dark irony does not escape me, as I giggle to myself. Survivor Drop Soup gets their raft together almost just as quick. Team Whitey is having a bit more difficulty, but finally gets it together. These three tribes all get out to the fire, and are almost back to the beach before SWA even gets their raft assembled and out on the water.

Surviving La Vida Loca is running back the beach with their planks, and go up and down the gulch rather quickly. The humor in this doesn't escape me, either. Hmm, this season's show should at least be funny. Survivor Drop Soup is right behind them.

Survivor Drop Soup quickly assembles their mini puzzles, puts the planks on the wall, puts the mini puzzles in the wall puzzle, climbs up, and lights the uber-torch, winning first place. Surviving La Vida Loca is right behind them.

Meanwhile, Team Whitey is still struggling to put the mini puzzles together. Come on, guys, it's not rocket science. Then again, I look back in sorrow at Dan Fuego failing at the challenge in last year's Survivor. And he actually was a rocket scientist. Well, an astronaut. Which is close enough in my book.

SWA has used Team Whitey's puzzle inaptitude to catch up with them, and are now working on their own mini puzzles. Team Whitey finally gets it together (pun intended), puts the planks on the wall, and begins to climb.

"You forgot your mini puzzles!" Probst yells. Back down they climb, assemble the wall puzzles with the mini puzzles, and climb the wall, lighting the uber-torch, and winning the third slot for immunity.

Survivor Drop Soup, Surviving La Vida Loca, and Team Whitey all win flints. Survivor Drop Soup wins the fire starting kit. SWA wins squat.

Or, do they?

Probst waves the miniscule envelope. Opens it up. The message inside informs us that the last place tribe gets to choose one member from one of the winning tribes to spend two, count them, two nights on Exile Island.

Aw, crap. You're not bringing that back again, are you?

SWA is all excited, thinking that this is a reward. Look, dummies, it's not a reward, so don't get all excited. All you're really getting is a chance for one of the opposing tribe members to find the hidden immunity island. So, see, going to Exile Island is not really a punishment.

Se and Nathan both take a step back to study the situation and make a decision, leaving the three women behind. I guess they didn't really stop to think that they should not be alienating the three women that obviously OUTNUMBER them.

Do they choose somebody from Survivor Drop Soup, who in this challenge has proven to be both intellectually and physically superior? No. They choose Jonathan, because he stole the chicken. This show keeps getting funnier and funnier! So, off Jonathan goes to Exile (uggh) Island, where he will hopefully find the hidden Immunity Idol which will carry him to F4. We do see Jonathan reading the clue, which seems to be a pretty good clue. It says something about finding a good grade, and finding the idol when an island to the south is out of sight. This obviously means that you have to find a "good grade", whatever that is, and walk away from it until you can no longer see an island to the south. Again, not rocket science. I bet he can figure that out. He didn't in tonight's show, but, there is always next week.

Let's take a quick flash back to last year's Exile Island. The first couple of people that were sent there walked around and around, digging holes everywhere looking for this idol. Then, smart, hot, Terry gets sent to Exile Island. Reads the clues. Thinks for a second. Walks over to a tree, digs a hole, and viola, he has the hidden Immunity Idol.

Once again, people, it's Survivor, not rocket science. Regardless of what Dan Fuego did last year.


Back to SWA camp. The two men are talking to each other, trying to decide which of the three women they should pull into an alliance with them, not realizing that they are all ready screwed. The three women are tight with each other, and you've all ready tried showing them that the two of you are boss. Dude, you won't be able to save yourselves now.

So, Se pulls Stephannie (which you would think is said "Steph Annie", but its just said "Stephanie") aside and tries to pull her into an alliance. "If you get rid of me or Nathan you won't make it! If you get rid of me, you won't have fire!"

Definite points to Stephannie for saying "But, we don't have fire now".

Off to tribal council. The two men vote for Sundra, and the three women vote for Se. The tribe has spoken.

Now, at the end of tribal council, Probst says "Since you've been to Tribal Council, you now have fire." and throws them a flint. HEY!!!!!! That's not fair! You've NEVER done that before! They still have to earn their fire! You're supposed to send them back to camp without their torches, because they have not earned fire yet! What the hell is this, fire welfare? SO not fair, Probst. They're supposed to earn fire, not have it given to them as a consolation prize. Hey. The name of the game is SURVIVOR. Not, here have fire without earning it because we honestly don't think you'll ever get it on your own because you're black.

More to come next Thursday, when we review S13E2 (Season 13, Episode 2).