The Life Cycle of a Belch

Here's another one from creative writing class, '91 or '92. The teacher comment on this was "This was funny and enjoyed by your peers as well". Can you guess who found her old notebooks from high school?

The Life Cycle of a Belch

Hello again, and welcome to the Wild World of High School. I'm Bea Boring, and I am your hostess this evening. Tonight we travel where no other wilderness documentary show has gone before. We study the life cycle of a belch.

To fully understand the creature we are studying, we must know the definition of the word. The dictionary tells us that to belch is "to expel gas noisily from the stomach through the mouth." A belch, whose Latin name is Belchius Grossius, is also known as a burp, or gas. Many things can cause a belch. Drinking soda or swallowing air. The stomach forces the unnecessary air up through the throat, and through the mouth. Depending on the shape of the mouth at the time, the passing air makes a rude sound.

Let us examine the birth of a belch. Contrary to what some believe, a belch begins its life before reaching the stomach. It is born in the mouth, as a bubble, or pocket of air. When the air is swallowed, gravity pulls it down towards the stomach. An unknown force, one that may have to do with the moon, repels the air back to its birth place. The life span of a belch can last anywhere from a few seconds to periods longer than 24 hours. A belch can be very painful for the host, therefore a belch is not always a pleasant visitor.

Let us now trace the difficult journey from the stomach to the mouth. On this strenuous trip, the young belch encounters many dangers. The belch must brave many attaching germs, and downpours of liquids. Here the belch may also encounter a chance to mate. There is nothing beautiful nor passionate about the mating habits of the belch. One belch simply runs into another until they eventually form one belch. The result of this union is usually a larger, louder emission of gas.

Here to explain the complex molecular structure of the belch is the famous German scientist Doctor Karl Wolf von dem weinerschnitzel aus Sauerkraut Katze Mause aus Berlin bon Schultz Heinz Mitagessen Flergen Flugen Dummkopf. Karl? Could you please explain?

"Well, we really can't say at this moment."

We can't say at this moment. What can we say? What can we do? What do we care? Where do we go? What do we think? Why am I writing this paper? Who knows? Here to answer is a professional badmitton player.

"Well, I...."

Very nice. My thoughts exactly.

Moving right along, we examine the death of a belch. When a belch dies, it lets the whole world know. It goes out with a bang, not a whimper.

This has been a Wild World of High School documentary. This is Bea Boring reporting. Good night, folks!

"Hey! You didn't let me finish my opinion!"

Oh, go away.